Allods Update ("get to know" my character)

Finally reached level 40.

I owe it all to pearz and the clan group that took me to my first astral trip in allods. So thanks you guys.

I'm trying to get water of death to respect myself into a tank 2H melee warden. Except I am having a little difficulty deciding certain loose ends of my build. I have a build that is for PvE, but let's not forget the main reason I picked warden was to be good at it and proof to everyone that wardens do not suck by sending every imperial I see into purgatory. To do that I would need a PvP build, but being a PvP build doesnt give me much usefullness in PvE. So trying to find the middle ground where I can be lethal in both departments is a little bit hard due to how many situational instances there are in PvP.

For the moment I have pumped my luck as high as I can with the gears I got from astraling and just activate the effects of my agi + perc buffs that only activate when I crit. Not to mention my current ruby spec is meant for critting with claws, so for the moment, the build semi-works. My bear is a shittttttooon stronger then I am with the crit. While in Sector three killing the boss I saw my bear critting 7k sometimes and the highest I could crit was 5.8k with my claws using tiger Strike.

For the moment I just want to get myself decently geared with astral/heriocs gear and since the majority of my quests are done, with the exception of just 1 map to go and world myseteries, I can offer my help to all the new MT players coming over.
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Real Life Wise -

So I wieghted myself today and realized I lost 7 pounds. Being Mostly muscle (at least I would like to think) I know I must be a weakass now. 7 pounds of muscle is a shitload if you think about it. August is rolling around the corner, so when college starts again, you will be dam sure that I am going to work myself to death at the gym. This year, with much convincing from Jeff, I will be using creatine with my protein shakes this year. He apparently says that creatine will let me build my muscles more, and we all know I love lacrosse, and want to be faster and stronger (as well as sexier) for my team and for the ladies eye candy pleasure. I have no idea who my roommate is going to be, I just pray it isn't a gay dude (and if it is, a cute one), or someone who's messy/sloppy/distruption to my daily life process/extremely creepy and/or weird. My last one was pretty bad, didnt clean up after himself, waited last second to do his laundry, and kept talking about football and was a fanatic about it and LOVE LOVE LOVED the steelers, whereas I couldn't give 2 cents about football because the realization that I would be wasting my life and existance envying and stalking someone else. I'm an ambitious person, I'm quite sure my existence and purpose cannot be for the sole purpose of stalking/envying someone else without a care in the world.

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Random off-thoughts with logic and philosophy. (please if your commenting, dont comment on this stuff)

I was thinking today with the realization of knowing I am an ambitious person when my mind is set on a goal. My mind is never NOT set on a goal, no matter how big or small, if it's a goal and I am 100% committed, I am ambitious.

I feel like my purpose is somewhere out there, somewhere big, but I have a feeling like I'm not doing enough or anything for that matter to find where I belong. Things like wanting to gain muscle and endurance for example. Running 10 miles on a treadmill as conditioning before the actual lift workouts. My own ambition exceeded my own body limits as a human. after 2 weeks I had to stop due to cartilage in my knees giving out and had to take pills and not run for 2 weeks. I hated my body for giving out, and I hated myself thinking I wasnt doing enough, when the reality probably is I'm doing too much.

You know that pyramid ?Lowest level being survival, and the top of the pyramid being self-actualization? I am longing for self-actualization. I hate myself for being ambitious. There are actually many things I hate about myself, I hate my very own existence actually(long story, I blame my parents, my ex-mother specifically). I guess the urge to be ambitious is to do something with my life and have it as proof that maybe, just maybe my life made a difference somewhere, an impact of some sort, historical almost.

I still remember the last sentences my mother said to me 4 years ago when I last saw her. "I hate you. You were a mistake. I wished I never had you." I know deep inside, that subconciously my ambition hatched for the sole purpose of doing something with my life, just to show her what I did, without her, this is what her "mistake" did. I was actually suicidal when living with her, she made my life hell. You couldn't believe how morally traumatized I was when I failed at even killing myself. I couldnt even do that, I was that useless. No, I didnt cut myself, my mother was a nurse. I chose the pussy way and swallowed half her medicine cabinet. To this day, I'm always thankful everyday knowing that I no longer am controlled by her. Things that other kids take granted by their parents absolutely sickens me till the point where I walk up to them and say "thank you" for their spoiled kids because they fail to realize how lucky they are. Being ambitious contradicts my natural lazyness. I love the country life of lazing around with open trees or farms with the quiet life not having a care in the world and to spend the rest of my days doing something I love with the person I love and raising kids with morals, unspoiled, and understanding, the best I can as to further moral victory for myself over my mother. But I feel like I don't deserve such a thing. I don't deserve happyness. Because I'm a mistake. I know I'm not, but I will always think I am. This is the extent of how deeply those last sentences have hurt me.

I can't life this quiet life I always wanted, because I will always be unhappy knowing that I could not prove my mother wrong. The moral victory and sentimental importance would not allow me to be happy living a quiet life.

And doing whatever humanly possible to prove her wrong to get that moral satisfation wouldnt satisfy me either, because I wouldn't have that quiet life, I wouldn't get the time I wasted to win this moral victory back. Unfortunatley this world doesn't allow you to take both paths at the same time. I know that much already. So basically, my mother wins no matter what. Even when you're not around me, you torment me. I am personally glad that the sole reason I am alive everyday also pisses her off. I know my mother way to well.

I guess blabbered enough. The summary of this was to talk to myself. Here I am being ambitious, but here I am sitting at the dining table blogging, playing mmorg games. Wasting my life for short term gratifications that utterly mean absolutely nothing to reality when it comes knocking. . . . What the hell am I doing? What the hell.....

No, I am not a emo kid. I never wore black (goth) or cut myself. I just had life shit on me alot more then I think I deserved. I'm actually quite the happy fellow as many of you know. But such things of my past sometimes get to me. Matter o fact the story of my mother and me is only known by few close friends with the few exceptions. I hate telling people about that part of my life because the very site of them giving me the pity look and sympathy, I hate it.

If you ever wondered why I picked such a name as "Loveguardian" is because I never want to see anyone of my friends I love get hurt. Corny, yea, too bad. I would never ever wish upon anyone of my friends to have misfortune. Friends close to me are the closest things to me I consider to be a family. All you people celebrating 50+ members for thanksgiving. I don't have such a luxury. We are the few in our family tree in America. Closest and only relatives are in Pennsylvania and frankly, they hate my parents. That leaves the ex-mother, the 2 spoiled sisters, and the father who I have barely any emotions for. Let's just say I spent alot of my holidays these past few years with my friend's families. Friends being hurt, and the inability to protect them makes me feel useless. I'm sure you all can relate one way or another. Anyway, fun fact for you all if you ever wondered why I picked the name "Loveguardian", I want to guard the one's I love.

P.S. I never use the word hate alot. When I do its usually in joking manners. But I will tell you that I truly used the word "hate" as it's full purpose and meaning in this post. I hate my mother, I hate who she turned me into, I hate many qualities of myself, and I hate...just absolutely hate, when some friend of mine, is hurt, crying and won't tell me what's wrong, or I can't do anything physically or emotionally possible to make her/him feel better. That uselessness feeling that I couldnt even help him/her when they needed it, I just can't say how much I hate the feeling. I hate lairs, and I hate people who are mean for the sole purpose that they can be.

-LG, quite the sappy ending.

inbe4 someone like thanos n theena read it.

By the way, I had received complaints that my blog ruins peoples eyes due to the black background and white text. I apologize. I hope this new format is a little bit easier.