Time is kinda flying by. I kinda feel like a laundry machine; toss the shit in there everyday and I will wash/rinse/repeat everyday. It's quite boring and I really don't feel quite "alive". Almost like a machine.
I take a lot of moments in the day were I just look at the sky and take a deep breathe and have a "moment" with myself. It's oddly one of the rare few things that's kind of keeping me sane and refrain from just dropping all my books/responsibilities/and just run.
I miss my allods family. I miss my Holy Cross family, I miss playing LoL, I miss not being able to see my boyfriend everyday. My heart all lies 4 hours north of me. My brain tells me everyday that this is the correct place to be if I want to have a future and career, I know this; but my heart isn't here at all.
I'm so busy, busy, busy, busy. Barely any time for procrastination or leisure time. Hell, there's barely any time to even go to the GYM. I have even come to despise people that walk in the streets wearing suites; signifying that they are "grown ups"; they are "businessmen". To me; they are the broken souls that lost their individuality to consumerism and advertisement ploys mold the mindless souls into whatever they want them to be. I pity them, but I also know it won't be long before I will be one of them. I try in the smallest ways to hold on to any and all childish and fun characteristics of myself. The rollerblades I bought give me some enjoyment and memories when I go all over campus with them. It hit home when I was at the Wilkie Cafe and the manager told me to stop coming there with rollerblades because it was a safety hazard. I almost wanted to cry and lash out at her; I think her fat ass is public indecency and MORE of a safety hazard then me on roller blades.
With getting a REAL education now; the more I learn, the more I want to look away and run. I've learned so many things; many of which I wish I did not learn. Being a communication major; we study things like the history of consumerism; we study things like the errors and mistakes of economic advertisements and in my other classes; the mistakes and errors of environmental choices. I hate it; I absolutely hate it. It's a disease and the more you learn; the more you read; the more you research, the farther the disease spreads. Until it finally reaches your heart; it reaches your core, your very being and soul; the thing that holds you together. It destroys and feasts on all your happy memories of the past and infects them to be sad and depressing foresights' of the future. The worst part is; I know it's happening. I understand what's happening; and I can't do anything about it, but just accept it. It's so much saddness.....
I won't really go into details of what I've been learning in my studies...I could go on paragraphs and essays and chapters about what I've been learning and you wouldn't be able to understand most the gibberish...
I'm afraid the loving, happy, cheerful person I was...the good ole LG that logs in and every prepares for a pervy conversation; has aged 50 years....
I'll still smile....I'll still fake a laugh...I'll still pretend I am me...but deep down...I know that I'm slowly dying.
I can say...the second you learn the truth...you die on the inside.
-LG.....hating humanity.
For me, you'll always be the same LG that always cockblocked me whenever i tried to "look good" or bragged.
ReplyDeleteHaven't checked up on your blog in AGES, man, seems like you're doing well in life. I suck with words, so i'll keep this just short this time.
Allods-wise i am still playing; finally decided on leaving Valiance few weeks ago and started my own guild, which ended up being successful in it's first two weeks and killing as many GT bosses as Valiance, though we're still lacking members(currently around 35), but now i finally have some fun again in it. Would be nice if you showed up on Skype, Allods or somewhere else sometime. XD
If you have MSN, add me on okan.duygun@gmx.de aswell. I am still against giving my personal data to Zuckerberg, so i didn't register myself on Fecesbook(Facebook duh).
-Lez/Rezardi
I haven't logged on here in ages.. I forgot this existed frankly. Proof that this new college keeps me entirely busy. You might as well start registering on Facebook. Take it from the communication major; we are no longer in the era of snail mail; facebook is probably the best communication device on the internet that commits to only social connections.
ReplyDeleteBefore I go off on a tangent; I still do occasionally go on the Valiance ventrillo. I talked with Cur/Valandi/Neph and I already knew you left Valiance. I also know the general story and whatnot having to do with BG. I "might" (no promises) come back for summer; it will be casual though, nothing serious like last summer. First thing's first, I need a better desktop.